dying since I misconstrued my healed heart; bright eyes

June 10, 2010 § Leave a comment

Dear Elliott;

It’s been a while, I don’t know why I decided to start writing again. I guess, I guess I just needed someone. Maybe I shouldn’t have stopped in the first place…but I only stopped because I thought I was better! And I guess I was, but better just wasn’t permanent. All things in life are temporary? I couldn’t tell you what compelled me to begin writing you again, not much has happened since I last wrote.

I’m so internally shot that I don’t even feel, can’t even be bothered to thing around for a message.I’m sitting here listening to the most uninvolved acoustic performer I’ve heard in a  while and I could care less. This Mr. Nevershoutnever’s music is like cosmonaut ice cream, dehydrated and lacking in an substantiality. Somewhat of a disappointment, as I’d read he was quite good. Alas, he’s just another untrained, aesthetically pleasing nincompoop with a ukelele.

I’ve heard this song, Breakeven-The Scrip on some top 40 station a few times and though I’m sure Dad could find some fault in it, I’m rather enamored. In a weird way, El, it reminds me of Eric and I. Keeping each other alive, while at the same time being scared we’re becoming dependent. Especially with college on the horizon, Erics natural instinct will be to push me away…it’s been a rough month for us.

I’ve decided that, of all the things I hate most in the world, what I hate the most is our insatiability. And so, out of spite, I’ve begun to look for beauty in everything. From the saddest to the most outwardly beautiful of moments, I’ve vowed to find some, simple beauty. It’s difficult and yet gorgeously simple.

It’s teaching me the beauty of being of the flesh. Feeling optimism, joyfulness and overwhelmed. I knew that I couldn’t be iron forever, but now I look forward to change.

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